Dr. Nona Owens - Psychologist
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Why Blame Me: Defensive Fighting In Relationships



One thing I have learned to expect when counseling couples in my practice of psychology is that blame is often deflected onto the other person.  

The psychological term for this falls under "Defense Mechanisms".
And, while it is common in many, it can be an unhealthy way of dealing with problems.

How many times have you heard a conversation (or been involved in one) where a problem is stated by one, only to have the conversation change to "But you do...."?  The original issue then is put aside, and the focus becomes the new topic.  

Perhaps one of the most damaging thing that occurs when this takes place is that the feelings expressed by the first person is discounted.  There is no attention to their needs, as they are put into a defensive mode to deal with the "But you...".  

This is where fights often begin, and when the whole conversation is lost.  Nothing is accomplished--expect perhaps the original person taking on guilt.  I see it over and over in therapy.  

In order to get past this "roadblock", it is important for both parties to learn what they are doing and why.  This is the key to learning to communicate, and build positive relationships.

It is important to address only one issue at a time, to listen to what is being said without striking out.  The needs and feelings associated with one's concerns needs to be understood.  Only after this is addressed can one move on.  

If you, or someone you know is struggling with relationships that involve "defensive fighting", I can help.

Dr. Nona Owens
580 Springridge Rd.
Suite 4-A
Clinton, Ms. 39056


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